Somewhat damaged

in search of something more

2005-05-31T06:28:40Z

deep in this hole i am making i cant escape falling all this time we come to this place falling through time living a hollow life always were taking waiting for signs hollow life fearing to fall and still the ground below me calls falling down this time ripping apart all these things i have tried to stop we fall in space haunting me we cant look down death may come peace i have found something takes a part of me what to say am i alive am i asleep we fall down is there ever any wonder why we look to the sky search in vain asking why all along where is god looking down we dont know we fall in space we cant look down death may come peace i have found

Another day another Vendetta

2005-05-03T06:37:53Z

The question they keep askin me how can one so young be so bitter and angry well the answer is plain to see just look around at this world that we are living in its die and let die take or be taken from and theres no where to run who do we look to what have we done these times have taken the best from us all i see is killing another day another vendetta there is so much suffering another day another vendetta i see the homeless standing out on the streets on every corner they are asking for money i try to help them whenever i can but sometimes i cant afford to help myself i see diseases and modern plagues of our time the greed of our leaders have made them blind to our problems they spend millions overseas while people right here are fighting wars everyday all you can do is stay close to what is true to you never let go of what you strive for hold tight and never let go never let go of what you strive for never think you cant make a change all i see is killing another day another vendetta there is so much suffering another day another vendetta.

This is my last post

2005-04-12T06:58:33Z

SO i have decided to say fuck it due to lack of interest. i will still read peoples and post on that and what not but i decided that i need not post anymore. well it was fun and ill see you in here yo. who knows maybe ill change my mind but for now i think i am done.

I was here from the start...

2005-04-10T04:06:34Z

So im chillen in mexico right now pretty bored and ive been thinkin lately about graduation and friends. I really dont want to graduate and leave all i have started and grown to love. I want to stay in high school forever with all my friends that i have grown so much with and enjoy talking to and seeing so much. i dont know if im ready to go away and leave everything i kinda want to stay and be there forever. I just hope for everything that we all stay together and dont loose our connections. ive been so blessed to know everyone and spend so much time with them all. I want to tell everyone that you haave done such a good job helping me grow and touching my life. none of you will be forgotten and we should cherish the time we have left since its not much.
...and ill be here in the end
Much Love

feelings

2005-04-04T05:19:50Z

Failed,
Rejected,
Cast Aside,
Turned Down,
Thrown Out,
Passed Up,
Discarded,
Declined,
Disregarded,

I dont want to go back. SCHOOL SUCKS

affraid of waking

2005-03-23T06:30:33Z

full of thoughts... emotions dont know what to think or to feel what is real. everytime i think i know what happened it just seems like more of a dream. that my nightmare will be ended when i nod to him after lunch or see him in father glenns office. thats it its just a dream a long drawn out dream and im only sleeping at school.. feelings leave me when i leave there. then i randomly realize its all true. all my shattered classmates really will be there tomorrow feeling the same. nothing will change. its not a dream. what to think im lost. wish it was a dream.
i know i didnt know you as much as some others but you truly were one of the funniest fun people i have ever had the privelage of knowing. rest in peace zach
much love

I heard the news today

2005-03-22T06:18:45Z

i learned so much today about myself about my friends and my classmates. today seemed normal a little slow and then i get home and debbie calls me askin to meet up with her she tells me zach passed away in a motorcycle accident. i was shocked i knew zach. i see this all the time someone far away or close that you dont know passes away and you just dismiss it but now it happens to someone you know something you would never expect. I was shocked stuck in my chair shaking didnt know what to think. is this real it cant be real i saw him today. lost and alone in my dead spot thinking about what happened. within the next 10 minutes i realize this i real and i must get up and go. went to salpointe with mike and peter to see a huge group of my classmates, classmates that nothing short of death pulls toghether. it was the most shocking thing ever. crying, holding, talking, breathless, thoughtless. trying to figure it out. i learned tonight is that life is fragile and can be taken in any moment. learned how short life can be and that we shouldnt take anyone or anything for granted. to all my friends i love you. you have all changed my life in so many ways thank you all from the bottom of my heart.
much love
R.I.P Zach Morgan

the smiles are getting difficult to fake

2005-03-15T01:37:58Z

Maybe next time... wait this time there isnt a next time.

these days are closing in the end has become apparent were only here for so long will anyone remember my name when time has washed away the dust of my ashes when my head rests in a velvet lined casket whats out there what is my eternal fate it only just recently hit me that this life is just a state mortality fading like the innocence of love im scared to death of whats to become of my immortal soul of this eternal flame will you remember will your heart sing with pain who calls out my name tell me what happens when my eyes close for the last time does it all simply end in a blanket of darkness what of my soul all those things you couldnt say you should have said all those i love yous lost weighed more like lead on your chest what if i could take back those misspent days every second of anger i would wash my sins away

has anything i tried to do for anyone really done anything...
fuck words i need actions hope has left me fucking shattered

sometimes i feel like im all alone

2005-02-09T06:06:24Z

sometimes i feel like im all alone that i have no one to talk to no where to go nothing to do. feel unimportant like no one cares pushed aside. feel like no ones there by myself all alone. feel like a ghost unseen unheard. feel like no one knows no one wants to know. feel empty. feel like second best only here when no one else is. here for you but not here for me.

it amazes me to learn how much someone cant know. how fragile life is. that theres nothing anybody can do

fuck me

2005-01-27T06:12:48Z

I LOST MY CROSS WHERE DID IT GO.

TaKe ME hOmE

2005-01-13T06:54:27Z

sitting in my room thinking aboutlife... realize how much i miss kairos... i really want to go back so bad i could use a kairos moment right now. need to talk. really talk. to somebody. despair has become my friend. i wish everything was over and i was an old hippie waiting to die.. and being happy till then. school is tearing me apart. the people inside are okay but everything else is horrible. the last 2 nights i have watched the nightmare before christmas. for some strange reason that movie makes me happy. i wish i could be jack. that would be the life. my attention span has been so little the last couple days its pathetic i cant even concentrate on this journal and i have so much to say... or at least i did. i want to lock myself in my room for at least a week. dont need to see anyone be anywhere or have anything to do just find serenity in a place i can hide.

born into this world never asked to be here

2005-01-03T08:40:02Z

happy fucking new year to you all... so school starts in less than 7 hours. not cool. not ready to go back not at all. last semester. fucking a. i wrote the best entry on new years eve and my computer froze about half way through. it was really long and shit but no it just fucking went away in the middle of submitting it. the world needs to shut down. everything just stop. no electricity back to the stone age. that might teach us something. we all take everything we have for granted and sometimes it pisses me off. i saw a pigeon walking across a busy intersection the other day. it was suspensefull. its kinda sad that people dont care enough to stop and let a helpless pigeon with a broken wing cross the street. animals are people too? i really dislike this world and most of the people in it. i have tried to be peacefull and see the best in people but that doesnt work very well. people in general suck. we are the future. scary huh. i dont see us doing anything good. do you? this generation needs to do a lot of changing before we take over. bothered. so i was explained as a great thinker and communicator today but not a doer. i think that explains me pretty well. i have always called myself a prophet. one day i will be one. a good one. i dislike too much of this country to stand by and follow it. dont get me wrong you patriotic people. america is a great country. or at least has the potential to be. if we would go back and look at why we became a country and change laws according to that it would rule. censorship and prohibition. is that y america was created? i wish we had an island we could journey off to and start our own country only so it could be fucked up 200 years later. whos really happy. in a sense im happy. i like who i am which is more than some people can say. i dont really judge people. and i give people too many chances but i guess thats good. hold the hand of your best friend look into their eyes then watch them drift away some might say weve done the wrong things for way too long for way too long. whats going to happen after high school. go to a bigger harder high school (college) and lose the people we have grown so close to. scares me. whats the point. y are we taught to make friends when they are just gone when the next chapter starts. why does everyone feel like my enemy dont want any part of depression of darnkness im had enough sick and tired bring the sun or im gone im backing out im not pawn no mother fucking slave never lied never left never loved never lost never hurt never worried about being me or anyone else look at me no concern dont give a shit about anything. whats death like. does everybody wonder or just me. i really would like to know what happens after death. are we reincarnated or just gone. i cant imagine this life just ending. gone no memory. when everyone forgets you what are you just another number. fuck really dont want to go to school. not at all. i dont sleep much anymore dont think my body can handle it. i need to loose weight i am getting fat again. well im out i will see you all tomorrow.
why wont they leave me leave me alone when i dont even want me

hjkdsj

2004-12-30T10:33:26Z

I JUST DONT SLEEP ANYMORE... i guess i should be used to it buy now but not yet.. hope all you people are sleeping very well. yeah

the perfect world

2004-12-26T08:59:34Z

okay here we go my version of a perfect world. buckle up
there would be special drivers licenses for people who can actually drive. with this lisence you can do basically anything but once you lose it you cant get it back. there would be no jail. whatever you do to somebody special bounty hunters or police get to do to you. you kill someone you die the way you killed them. people can do pretty much anything they want. besides things that are morally wrong. houses would be like safe houses you can stay in forever and nobody will come in if you dont want them to. houses food and clothes are provided and if you want anything else you must get a job. drugs are legal. school is optional. houses must be cared for by owners to keep everything presentable. if not taken care of they get moved to a house full of messy people.
hmm i had this all planned out earlier.
any suggestions just post them yo

early morning

2004-12-21T10:53:55Z

yo i cant sleep fun huh. i think i am back to my insomniac self since i have been awake for about 3 days now. kinda. everybody seemed to enjoy formal a lot. uhh besides me. i must say thats not really my style. i can handle rap but the stereo in my car is better than the "entertainment" at formal. I did realize that a lot more people at salpointe know who i am because people i dont know or talk to were talking to me it was kinda odd. but if i am going to be pushed into a room that small i want to have loud music (not rap or r&b) and people getting hurt shoes being lost that kinda shit. but i guess it was a good night. sort of. yeah well my parents bought a house today. and i saw it sunday it is rather nice. well its not built yet but i saw examples and floor plan shits and the lot. and i like. y arent people online right now. i kinda want to talk to some people. im bored. not tired. rambling shit. breaks are nice. i just cant remember when i work again. and holy shit today has just dragged right along. yeah i am going to watch a movie not sure which yet but i will find something... peace out

la di da di da

2004-12-17T06:00:55Z

hey all you people.. or the 4 of you who might read this... yeah well i have lots of energy and want to run around in socks. today was a wonderfull day and i dont know why. i took finals came home and slept till like 6ish. yeah wonderfull now im not going to sleep tonight at all. im kinda lost about why i write in this thing because nobody replies or anything but hey whatever. tomorrow is the last day of school for like 2 weeks or so. i cant even explain how awesome that is. all my friends rule right now and i dont know why. maybe cuz they are the greatest most bestest in the world. yeah i am really hyper right now its crazy. i want to go hang out somewhere but i dont have friends. besides like 3. breeeeak exciting. random thoughts are fun.
this shit right here is for you all your faces i can see you all think its about me im about to break this is my fate am i still damned to a life of misery and hate you'll never know what id do for you what you all put me through ill do it for you i could not ever lived if it wasnt for you.
yeah that came outta nowhere. well i am annoying my self so im going to finish this.
thanks

epiphany

2004-12-14T07:16:58Z

Your words to me just a whisper your faces so unclear i try to pay attention your words just disappear cuz its always raining in my head forget all the things i should have said so i speak to you in riddles cuz my words get in my way i smoke the whole thing to my head and feel it wash away cuz i cant take anymore of this i want to come apart or dig myself a little hole inside your precious heart cause its always raining in my head forget all the things i should have said i am nothing more than a little boy inside that cries out for attention yet i always try to hide cause i talk to you like children though i dont know how i feel but i know ill do the right thing if the right thing is revealed

stolen from cindizzle

2004-12-10T21:35:29Z

1. Who are you?
2. Are we friends?
3. When and how did we meet?
4. How have I affected you?
5. What do you think of me?
6. What's the fondest memory you have of me?
7. How long do you think we will be friends?
8. Do you love me?
9. Do you have a crush on me?
10. Would you kiss me?
11. Would you hug me?
12. Physically, what stands out?
13. Would you ever go out with me?
14. Do you wish I was cooler?
15. On a scale of 1-10, how hot am I?
16. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
17. Am I lovable?
18. How long have you known me?
19. Describe me in one word.
20. What was your first impression?
21. Do you still think that way about me now?
22. What do you think my weakness is?
23. Do you think I'll get married?
24. What makes me happy?
25. What makes me sad?
26. What reminds you of me?
27. If you could give me anything what would it be?
28. How well do you know me?
29. When's the last time you saw me?
30. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
31. Do you think I could kill someone?
32. Do you think our friendship is getting stronger/weaker/or staying the same?
33. Do you feel that you could talk to me about anything and I would listen?
34. Are you going to put this on your lj and see what I say about you?

kill you

2004-11-29T20:53:29Z

i hate writing shit it is so stupid whats my problem today maybe im depressed maybe im helpless what comes out my hand i hate writing shit it is so stupid why do i feel this way feelings in my heart im in way to far can't it wont go away before long my sun is dying i hate writing sh it aint looking forward to it whats fucked up today writing all this time feeling all thats mine come right out my hand tell me now i want to know is that me inside you ah is this fair i gotta let this song inside me free just let me free before long my sun is dying thats why i die thats why i try

Dude just fucking dude

2004-11-22T09:14:47Z

yeah dude so korn last night yeah. fucking rocked got pushed up against the barracade that was fun and let some little yellowcard fan get in front of me so i was one person back when korn got on and fucking a. korn will never EVER get old. seen them 4 times and next time they are here i will be there too oooh i got 2 pics from munky too. Chevelle was there and they were bad as hell as well. As for yellowcard vendetta red and my chemical romance. EH dont like yellowcard too much. their song only one is pretty good but other than that they put on a good show just dont like the sounds. vendetta red just isnt good. my chemical romance was decent. but korn i dont think anybody could do them justice. fucking a. 2 days of school this week that is gonna rock. im going to try to cover up my earrings for the week cuz i got my 6 gauges in and dont want to deal with taking them out. but yeah probably wont happen. yeah well went to salpointe today and got begged to be a cheerleader yeah dont think thats happening. but yeah i think i should go sleep or something... im wired so ahhhh dont think sleep is in the agenda

Heavens in the palm of my hand

2004-11-18T05:52:02Z

baby i get so scared inside and i dont really understand is it love thats on my mind or is it fantasy heaven is in the palm of my hand and its waiting here for you what am i supposed to do in a time of tragedy if i close my eyes forever will it all remain unchanged if i close my eyes forever will it all remain the same sometimes its hard to hold on so hard to hold on to my dreams it isnt always what it seems when your face to face with me im like a dagger you stick me in her and taste the blood from my blade and when we sleep will you shelter me in your darkened grave if i close my eyes forever will it all remain unchanged if i close my eyes forever will it all remain the same will you ever take me no i cant just take the pain would you ever trust me no ill never feel the same i know ive been so hard on you i know ive told you lies if i could have just one more wish id whipe the cob web from my eyes if i close my eyes forever will it all remain unchanged if i close my eyes forever will it all remain the same ahh yeah close your eyes close your eyes you gotta close your eyes for me

FAKE PEOPLE BOTHER ME...

2004-11-11T06:37:19Z

Okay so salpointe people really need a lesson. First i am going to address the guys. You really need to stop thinking you are so damn hard because you really are not. You talk a lot of shit and dont do anything yes you are sheltered and have no idea how life is going to hit you when you talk shit to the wrong person because the majority of you have never been in a fight. Talk shit and dont do anything cuz thats just so damn hard. Next wheres the ghetto? not anywhere near you. Y do people pretend to be so poor at salpointe. i hate that so much. if you were "poor" you wouldnt be going to salpointe... Spend a night on the southside and figure out what poor is. Because ive been further into the ghetto than most of you "poor" kids and im not poor. Now theres the depressed kids. This goes for guys and girls. why do people have to act depressed now. I know there are a few of you that actually are depressed but y is it all of a sudden cool to be "rebellious and depressed". Keep acting like you are so different all though you really arent. how is it that shopping at hot topic is cool now. i remember going there and nobody being there and hearing oh my god you shop at hot topic. People need to learn to be themselves and not make shit up and live a fake life. I hate how people think there life sucks so much and how fake they are. im just sick of all of it i cant wait to be done with salpointe and all the bull shit people that belong to it. i have cut this off much more i want to say about all of this but im going to be nice and stop before i get myself in trouble. props to you real people. to you fake ones keep searching maybe one day youll find yourself. i hope you all have a wonderous night. dont make anything up. SARA AND MARISA WRONG YOU ARE.

blah

2004-10-28T07:36:02Z

the real world sucks. i dont want to graduate. as far away as it is i can already see life after high school blowing some nuts. i like the comfort of being able to blow shit off and do what i want to go. but everyday that freedom fades quicker and quicker. i wish there were no bills to pay of groceries to buy. i wish the world was just chill. hibernation. humans need hibernation the majority of us have too much shit going on and need a while to get over it all. the majority of the people i see daily are going to be shellshocked when world hits them cuz its just a bitch. i want to be able to be me and not need to worry. take the burden from me i want to be free. i guess theres a life lesson in this. ive learned that this lifes not a game just a line between the pleasures and the pain.

Empty but cant complain

2004-10-21T07:44:07Z

Whats up world. I should be an mtv news person. Yeah so life is kinda passing. i feel empty again dont know y. not a bad empty but still empty. when i dont feel empty theres a tight pain in my chest. but i just feel kidna strange lately. i really want it to rain. that would make me feel good. i like rain a lot. so yeah dont really have shit to talk about. i dont have anything exciting going on right now just chillen. Kairos comes back tomorrow thats exciting. i could say a few things about kairos but i dont need to get people all mad at me, dont get me wrong kairos is the greatest thing ever and all you should go but theres some problems for me. I really wish i could write good things like poetry or music or stuff... i used to be able to write and now i cant. I am a strange kid. my mind wanders. does anybody wonder what it would be like to be dead. it is such a mystery and it kind of gives me something to look forward to. knowing what its like. If i were a ghost i would want to live in disneyland. disneyland rocks. yeah so anyways. i hate thursdays i acutally have to be on school ontime what a fucking shame. i dont want high school to end... see all my friends leave. its actually going to somehwhat suck. i dont know the closer we get the further i want it to be. freshman year fucking rocked and since then has been pretty damn good too. well my guitar is almost done. its been quite the job but its going to be so sick. should finish it saturday and i am uber excited. well im going to sleep.
P.S. has anyone noticed that you get so much more posts when your sad? we live in a very empathetic culture.

fucking a dude

2004-10-14T06:45:55Z

So anyways debbie and i are back together again so im all happy now and my last entry is void. thank you to you people who helped me get some sense into me you dudes rock. But other than that there really isnt much to say. october kairos leaves in like 4 days damn dude that rules. i wish i could do kairos again. you all who havent gone really need to. so anyways hope life is grand to all you who read this. oh and i learned something like an hour ago. nothing gets a point across like a few good cuss words. seriously if i heard W tell kerry that he was a fucking faggy liberal i think i would totally have to rock that vote. no but seriously swearing helps a fuck of a lot. unless your dealing with adults then you are just plain fucked. but yeah back to democrats rocking votes and faggy liberals i really dont like democrats. they are so wishy washy. john kerry blows if he is president i say we all pack up our balls and head to canada. yeah dude nothing goes wrong in canada plus you can say eh all the time and not get made fun of. the one major and i mean fucking MAJOR flaw of canada is they dont have dr. pepper. i was in vancouver and a waiter told me they didnt have dr. pepper and i thought it was just the bar and he says nowhere in canada has dr. pepper i was just like what the fuck is your damage. how are these people so happy all the time. they dont have the doctor. man yeah we should stock pile dr. pepper and move to canada if kerry is elected. but yeah dude fucking korn is coming that is going to rock hard. hard rock yeah... rock is a good word yrsh do anyways i am going to bed and getting some sleep so i can wake up in the morning and do homework before i go to school. peace out homespeople hope your lives are kicking some ass and i will continue this useless journal tomorrow or the next day or week or whatever. Peace out bitches